Life isn't the greatest right now....we just found out that my Grama is quite a bit worse off than we thought. Very little of her heart is working. I remember a similar situation a few years ago. I hoped to never go through it again.
That's not going to happen....not the losing my Grama, that's inevitable.
But the part of having to sit there and watch, helplessly, waiting, waiting for the other shoe to drop, and her not be there any more. It's hard to be a caregiver, it's hard to have the medical training that allows you to know what is happening by the signs that the body physically gives.
It's hard to sit here on the couch and suddenly realize she isn't snoring anymore, "OH SHIT, is she okay?" and she is....but I know that the reality is, that it's possible one time she won't be. Or I will go to get her up, and she'll be gone...Gone to see my Grampa...I'm sure she is looking forward to it...she's lived a good life, and deserves peace.
Grama: I want you to know, I will always love you. Always miss you! I won't be able to watch the Golden Girls without thinking of you. "Thank you for being a friend" will bring tears to my eyes. Thank You for loving me, for caring about me, for teaching me all those things that only Grama's can teach. Thank you for sharing your beloved tea cups with your cherished granddaughters. I will never drink a cup of tea that tastes as good as the ones that Grama made. I will always remember the time we spent together. I will always remember how I almost ruined my 16th birthday party because I told my mom I didn't want to go to your house for the night, because I was being a typical teenager. Thank you Grama, for life. For what you taught, for what you showed, for what you lived.
Now it's time for me to stop showing my feelings. I must. For her sake. So that she doesn't feel bad about leaving us.
I have to take off my hat of grand daughter and put on my CNA/Nurse/caregiver hat. It no longer matters how I feel. It's all about her. She deserves my unselfish care. After all, wasn't it only a few years ago, that she gave it to me?
This is a picture of myself, my cousin Welcome, and my Grandparents, when Welcome and I were probably 4 and 6 respectively....
3 days ago